For years, I found myself caught in a relentless cycle of running, desperately seeking an escape from the pain and heartache that plagued me. I couldn't pinpoint where I was headed; all I knew was that I wanted the suffering to cease. Perhaps, deep down, I hoped that by disregarding the harsh reality of the hellish existence Ricky faced during his active addiction, it would all magically disappear. Maybe my constant running was merely a coping mechanism or a survival strategy to navigate the countless hardships we endured.
Addiction is an ugly and joyless battle. I can empathize because I, too, once found myself ensnared in its grip. Though my struggle may not have mirrored the intensity of others', I can honestly say that watching the man I loved so intensely, the one I cherished, live in that chaos was almost unbearable. It ranks at the top of the list of the most challenging experiences I've faced throughout my life. My journey hasn't been filled with constant misery, but it certainly hasn't been a fairy tale either.
Reflecting on my life, I realize that I have always been a runner from a young age. Running from the unknown, fleeing from pain, and escaping the confusion surrounding why certain things happened to me. I constantly questioned why I deserved it and why I bore the burden of such deep and hurtful experiences. I didn't know how to move past them or if I ever would.
Last year, when Ricky was at his lowest point in active addiction (as some of you may recall from my previous posts), I found myself plunged into the darkest depths of hell. It felt like every possible source of pain and heartbreak emerged, cutting me even deeper. During one of our son's ballgames, I came face to face with someone I can only describe as the devil himself. I felt sick to my core, an overwhelming urge to run as fast as possible consumed me. Ricky did show up for the game, but it wasn't a pleasant day with him either. Sitting in that chair, desperately suppressing tears, all I could think was that just a few feet away stood the man I adored, the man I loved with all my heart, and yet I had no clue if he even cared about me or loved me anymore. I needed him so much in that moment. A few more feet away, the devil himself sat, reminding me of the darkness and pain that tainted my childhood memories. It was one of the most difficult experiences I have ever endured.
When the game finally ended, I rushed to pack up and leave as quickly as possible. Tears streamed down my face, questions remained unanswered, and all the hurt and trauma resurfaced. Despite it all, at that moment, all I longed for was Ricky's comforting embrace, to know that everything would be okay, to know that I mattered to him or anyone else. I felt incredibly alone and utterly lost.
Throughout Ricky's struggles with addiction, he was always my safe haven, my home. Home had never felt like a secure place for me. I never allowed myself to become too comfortable anywhere or with anyone because, once again, I was running, anticipating the next wave of hardship. But with Ricky, it was different. He was my anchor, my sanctuary. It's challenging to describe in words, but being with him felt like being home.
On that life changing night, as I surrendered everything to God on the cold garage floor, miraculous things began to unfold in my life. Months later, the devil himself reached out to me on social media. Anger surged within me, and my mind raced with the things I wanted to say to him. Instead, I chose honesty and told him that I had no desire to engage with him and that I had forgiven him. I made it clear that the rest was between him and God. Unsurprisingly, he revealed himself to still be the same demonic person I had known all those years ago.
Later that day, a realization struck me—I hadn't run away. In that moment, I stood my ground and made peace within myself. As I reflect on my journey, I recognize how little I run now and how I've become more present in challenging moments. Previously, any sign of confrontation or difficulty would have sent me running—shutting down, going silent, walking away, or hanging up the phone. But with God's guidance, I face these obstacles head-on. There are moments when the signs of attack appear, and I find myself tempted to retreat into silence. Yet, I refuse to surrender another second of my life to the enemy. With a simple plea, "God, I need You and Your guidance now," I feel His unwavering support. He never fails me, and He never will.
Our journey was dark and challenging, but it led us to where we are today, and for that, I am profoundly grateful. I have discovered a level of peace within me that I never thought possible. By embracing stillness instead of running, I have grown stronger. I have learned that facing life's challenges head-on, with faith in God and oneself, can lead to remarkable transformations.
Running may have once been my default response, driven by fear and uncertainty, but I have found a new way—a path of resilience and courage. It is through stillness, anchored in faith, that I have discovered the power to navigate life's storms. No longer will I let fear dictate my actions. Instead, I choose to stand firm, facing whatever comes my way with grace and determination.
It is a remarkable transformation to witness how the power of stillness and faith can reshape our lives. As I reflect on my own journey, I am reminded of the immense strength that resides within each of us. We are capable of facing our deepest fears and finding healing in the most unexpected places.
Through the trials and tribulations of addiction, I have come to understand that running only perpetuates the cycle of pain. It is in stillness that we can truly confront our demons, confront the darkness that lingers within us, and find the courage to heal. It is a journey that requires vulnerability, but it is through vulnerability that we uncover our resilience and discover the beauty that lies on the other side.
In the moments where we once would have run, we now stand firm, anchored by our faith and guided by God’s light of our inner strength. We no longer allow the enemy to dictate our actions or control our lives. Instead, we rely on the unwavering support of God, knowing that we are never alone in our struggles.
Stillness grants us the opportunity to connect with our true selves, to listen to the whispers of our hearts, and to uncover the path that leads to our ultimate healing. It is a moment of surrender, where we let go of the need to control and instead trust in God’s plan. Through this surrender, we find the peace that surpasses all understanding.
As I continue on this journey of embracing stillness, I am amazed by the peace that has settled within me. It is a peace that goes beyond the absence of chaos or external turmoil. It is a peace that emanates from within, a profound sense of harmony and contentment that cannot be shaken by the storms of life.
No longer do I seek comfort in running. Instead, I find peace in the stillness of my own being, knowing that I am enough, that I am worthy of love and healing. I no longer question why certain hardships have befallen me or search for reasons to justify the pain. Instead, I focus on the present moment, trusting that every step I take leads me closer to a brighter tomorrow.
In the end, it is not the running that brings healing, but the willingness to confront our demons, to seek God and to believe in our own strength. We can find our way home, not by fleeing, but by embracing the present moment and trusting that, ultimately, everything will be okay.
So, let us shed the weight of our running shoes and embrace the beauty of stillness, guided by the presence of God. Let us find the courage to face our fears, knowing that in the depths of our vulnerability, we can discover our true strength through the grace of God. May we all embark on this journey towards peace, no longer running, but standing tall, with hearts open and spirits unyielding, guided by the divine wisdom.
May we all find the courage to be still, to trust in the journey that God has set before us, and to embrace the peace that awaits us in His loving embrace. For in stillness, we find our true selves and uncover the boundless possibilities that lie within us, as we connect with the infinite power and guidance of God.
Instead of running away from our problems, let us run towards God, for He has the power to resolve any obstacle or challenge that may cross our path.
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